7:00 p.m. - 2008-03-06
3 is magical.
Soo...
Loads of new stuff.
I really like Ryan.
It's getting horrible again.
I seriously think about him everyday.
I thought I loved him years before but I didn't know him.. We talked last week and I found out so much about him and I feel like we have alot in common.
3 times last week :P
So I want to talk to him tonight. And I'm not going to hide things just because I'm afraid of the outcome. I have to do it.
I want to tell him I missed him. and that'd I wasn't embarassed when his family said we should date. I only blushed because I was kind of thinking it too. I think things could be better this time.
And I think atleast once in my life I deserve to have someone. or to even have a relationship longer than a month. I think I deserve much mor ethan to always be a third wheel, the girl who never gets the guy. It's my turn for romance. Everyone is in love lately and I feel like I am missing out on something big.
I'm not saying that I want to be with Ryan because I am single and lonely or missing out. I am saying that I miss him, and I really like him. And I think it could work out. maybe not like love forever and marriage and crap... but something real. I just want one fairytale to come true.
I wish I could figure out how to say these things to him. I want to tell him about how I thought I loved him when we dated before, but I was wrong. I was just overly excited to have someone to pay attention to me. I hardly knew him. I want him to know that I would love to get to know him better. I don't need to fall in love with him. but I can see what there is there.
I have to stop talking about this subject... it drives me insane.
So in the past week I have read three books.
Amazing ones at that too.
Two way street, you remind me of you, and lost it.
They all made me want to change. way more than I already am. I want to say things without fearing others reactions. I want to be honest. true to myself, and others. I want to conquer my fears, such as the dark and aliens. I want to change the way I think. I think about myself too much. I need to care about others. Help others. so much to do.
I've already begun my outward changing. I dyed my hair, I'm getting highlights and a cut, a cool one. I'm getting contacts next month. I've been eating less and only drinking water mixed with diet stuff. I've been working out in my room while watching tv. I even am starting Yaz, just so it will clear up my face more.
Change is good sometimes.
I want to love myself, and the way I look and think and act.
I can't wait.
Maybe with these changes someone else will learn to love me too.
I think I am done with being lonely. and counting on others to make my life perfect. Only I can do that. I want to do things by myself. and not depends on Jackie or whoever else.
Goddd, I am a loser. But I guess this will all turn out all right. if not... I'm sure I'll write about it either way.
Here's to hoping for the best.
